Grief Support Library

I lost the only true love of my life and my best friend

Continued

There were police cars and unmarked cars galore parked all along my street. The cops asked if they could look around my house and asked me a bunch of questions. They took the note I had written to Steve. I guess that was "evidence!" Luckily I had grabbed the letter he'd written me and had it in my pocket. They treated me like I was a suspect or criminal. When I got to the hospital he was still unconscious but was on a breathing machine and breathing.

After many tests were done the CAT scan showed he was brain dead and that the next 72 hours would be critical as to whether or not he'd pull through. The doctors were totally puzzled and had no clue what was wrong with him or what had happened. 12 long hours later after my family and my and his friends had left I sat with him and held his hand and told him I loved him, I didn't want him to go, that I wanted him back, but if he had to go then go ahead and go and if he'd watch over me somehow I'll be okay.

Those words came out of nowhere. I hadn't rehearsed them or agonized over what to say. I said those words, kissed him, and the nurse said, "Honey, he just left. He waited for you to tell him that." He hung on all day and after I gave him permission then he left. I called my parents and my mom came back to the hospital. I kept telling him good-bye and trying to leave but it took me a couple hours. I just couldn't leave him.

An autopsy was done that showed his heart had blocked arteries and was five times the size of a normal, healthy heart. His half-brother and only living blood relative decided to have him cremated because it was cheaper that way. I asked him for the ashes and first he said yes but apparently an ex-girlfriend of Steve's from over 10 years ago didn't think it was fair and now he won't let me have them.

I wanted to keep them to myself for a week or so then purchase a plot to bury them in and have a headstone made and a place I and his friends could go to. He and his half-brother had just reestablished contact after 10-15 years. His brother complained and cursed the entire time about how expensive the prayer cards cost, the funeral expenses, etc... My dad even offered to Steve's half-brother that he (my dad) would pay for the cost of setting up the grave and headstone or a space in a crematorium and gave him his phone number and told him to think about it and give him a call if he'd like him to do it. Instead Steve's ashes are disrespected, sitting in a cardboard box, in his half-brother's closet with their dad's ashes and the half-brother's grandma's ashes. It makes me sick.

I had a stroke 2 years ago from a blood clot in my vertebral artery, had blood clots in my legs and lungs 12 years ago, and have a constant 24/7 headache which doesn't respond to pain killers. Crying all the time doesn't help. I went to a support group a few times which I felt was hurting more than helping so I quit that one and just went to my second meeting of a different one which seems to fit my needs better than the other one. It is so hard, though.

None of my friends or family can relate or understand what I am going through.

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